Ding Dang Dawn: June 2012

Printed with permission

How technology is short-circuiting real communication.

Subtitle: Have some guts and return my call… Or else I’ll have to call your mother!

As a Peace Corps Volunteer I lived in a town with no telephone. Everyone else freaked

out, “What, no telephone, how can we get in touch with you?”… I kind of liked it. If someone

wanted to reach me, the best way to do it was to send the message with someone who

would be coming to my town. All the Volunteers around me were in the same lack of

communication situation. Once I sent a message to the next closest Volunteer. I gave it to

the boat driver who traveled back and forth to her town and asked him to give it to her.

In the next several days I didn’t receive a message back from her. I began to worry. Maybe

something was wrong with her. Or maybe she never got the message. Maybe she wasn’t

in her town. There were so many maybes to our communication system, that the best way

to solve it, was to send her another message…. Which I did, and shortly after that I got a

response back. She had been out of town.

Now twelve years later I live in a life that is utterly connected. I have a cell phone. I

Facebook, email, text. I don’t twitter or Pinterest, but I could if I wanted. Although I have

more confidence that my messages get to the people I am sending them, the likelihood that

I will get a response is even lower.

Consider this situation: I will be teaching in another city this summer. I need a place to

stay, so I arranged to sublet an apartment from Ms. X, the same college student who sublet her

apartment to us last year. She Facebook messaged me May 1st, “The apartment is definitely

yours for the month of July (until August 3rd).” I called to arrange the details with her. I

left messages on her voice mail. I sent her messages on Facebook. I got no response from

her until May 23rd, when she left me a voice mail (while I was doing yoga) to tell me that

she had rented half of the apartment to another student. She wondered, “Was I OK with

that?” I called her back that evening; since she didn’t answer I left her a message saying

that I would consider it. She didn’t call back. I called her again a few days later; no answer,

so I left a message emphasizing that I was counting on subletting her place for the summer.

Several days passed and she still didn’t call me back. I was stressed. I couldn’t sleep. I began

to investigate other sublet options and found none.

I explained the situation to my father. He said, “You want me to call her mother.” Heck, I

thought, that ain’t a bad idea, since clearly she is not going to answer my calls or return any

messages. My dad called her mother. Within two hours I got a response from her.

Now you probably don’t even have to wonder: How is it that she answers the phone when

her mother calls but not when I call? One word and two letters for you: Caller ID. A lovely

invention that allows us to screen our calls, to block out people who we don’t want to talk

to. An invention that allows us to control who is in and who is out with no override button.

What would have happened if this sublet fiasco had occurred in the years before caller

ID (which wasn’t that long ago)? Ms. X would have had to pick up the phone to hear

who was calling and then she might have had to have an awkward conversation with me.

Instead, she dodged me in the hopes that I would go away.

But she didn’t realize that I would play the mother card. That same evening Ms. X sent

me a message on Facebook. She said that since she hadn’t heard from me and that I didn’t

answer when she called me, she assumed that I didn’t want the apartment. I don’t believe

it. These are not the jungles of Panama; the message didn’t fall in the water; the phone line

didn’t break under the weight of a fallen tree.

I am not trying to get all high-and-mighty here. I, too, frequently have the urge to dodge

people I don’t want to talk to. Especially now that I am dating. Just this last month, I went

on a date with a guy. By the end of the date he had committed a definite dating faux pas,

and it was clear to me that we should not go on another date. When he texted the next day

to ask how I was, I really, really felt like ignoring him because if I communicated with him

I might actually have to explain to him what I thought about him—not a pleasant idea. But

a guy friend of mine counseled me, “Don’t do it. At least send him a short answer.” And he

was right. I texted the guy a few word answer, and with my terseness he must have realized

I was no longer interested (he also had been on the same date so he would have been a part

of the same vibes). He didn’t text again.

A part of being human is living in communication with other humans. And a part of living

with others is having conversations that you don’t want to have. We do not live in the

jungle where communication is handled primarily face-to-face. Modern technology allows

us to connect to people in so many different ways. It also allows us to disconnect with

people in so many different ways. One way we can make our society more connected is

by actually communicating with each other. When the caller ID turns up someone you

would rather not talk with, think again. Commit to yourself that you will answer the call

even if it means that you have to say something that will be awkward and make you feel

uncomfortable. And if you are a mother or father, teach your children have those hard conversations, as well.

And if you decide to screen your calls and ignore the messages, be careful----

be very, very careful---they might just call your mother.

Ding Dang Dawn

Went away for a little while, but I'm back!

Return my call or I'll have to tell your mother

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